The devil had attacked me in my thoughts and emotions rather fiercely in recent months, and it had become so loud in me that I wasn’t sure what to do. When it was over, I felt as though I was buried in a pile of rubble wondering what happened. Afterwards, I started sliding down that slope of depression. I was so angry with myself. I started telling myself what a failure I was (again) and a bunch of other not-so-nice things. I just felt stuck, I lost my joy and my peace. Every morning I woke up with a heavy gloom over me. I didn’t want to pray or pick up my Bible, and I didn’t really want to talk to the Lord about it all, either, because I was afraid I would get sternly rebuked for whatever had happened with me (I thought it was all my fault). I finally managed to squeak out a prayer of sorts and asked the Lord to help me. Though I didn’t hear a response inside right away, I believed that He would do it.
I have always been rather hard on myself when I make a mistake, or don’t get something quite right. I had been improving over the years, but lately I have been finding myself starting back down that old and familiar road. First thing I heard was that I needed to start over. I felt in my spirit that what He meant was I needed to start over with a solid foundation. The one I had started when I first got born again wasn’t built with much faith. And I certainly didn’t have a true revelation of His love for me. I believed it in my head, but I didn’t really know it in my heart. When I first got saved, I was immediately hungry for the Word. I just began devouring it like a starving person. There wasn’t any rhyme or reason to my immersion….just feed me! A better way to say it would be that I didn’t have any structure to my time in the Word. Yes, it was changing and helping me, but I just kept doing things that way for some years. I would read my Bible, out loud even so I would also being hearing, but I never focused on choosing a topic such as love or faith, and then study and learn more about it in depth. This is part of why the devil was rather successful in his attack and my not knowing what to do. All of this revealed that my foundation wasn’t so stable.
Little by little, though, the Lord started showing me different things about myself, a lot of which I heard while listening to teaching through various ministries. One thing after another began to click. One day a couple of weeks ago, I heard someone sharing their own story about how they had come to a place similar in their own life. The person said to just lay all the pieces down at the feet of Jesus, and to let Him start peeling back the layers and pull out the junk. And so I did that, and He’s been doing that. As He has cleared the rubble away, He’s shown me that I didn’t have a correct view of love and that I didn’t really know what true love is. Part of this was because I didn’t have the best example of a loving relationship growing up. Yes, I had a stable home with both parents who stayed married until they died, no abuse or anything like that. However, it was a rather rigid environment, with my mom being the more dominating person and my dad rather on the passive side. There were other things, too, that didn’t lend towards my learning how to have a healthy and loving relationship. I also didn’t know that I could have a relationship with Jesus. Yes, I knew Him as Savior and Lord, but not as friend, Let alone having Him for my best friend. After going through this attack, I had forgotten for a bit all the wonderful times I had with Jesus getting to know Him more and learning how to let Him inside of me. The devil tried to make me believe that I was so wrong about all of it.
But Jesus! He is so awesome and amazing! He told me that He was not mad at me, for starters. He also said this, “Don’t block Me out! I love you and I so love and enjoy our time together! Yes, even when you’ve had a bad day or struggle to find joy. I told you I accept all of you, bad habits, faults and all. That means I also want to be with you and spend time with you, bad habits, faults and all. Don’t let ANYTHING keep you from coming to Me! Not even your poor self-image! Try Me….yes really. That’s religious performance when you act like you have to be all prayed up, spend hours in My Word and doing everything just right in order to come spend time with Me. Our relationship, fellowship, companionship, our being one together, is what means most to Me. That is what you were created for. You were created for fellowship and companionship with Me. All else is secondary. Yes, I have things I want you to do and accomplish for Me, but not at the expense of our relationship, our time together. Always remember that!” Thank You Jesus!!!!! I just sense in my heart that this word isn’t just for me. It is for anyone who will believe and receive it. Amen!
I feel so light and free! It’s amazing! And now Jesus has given me several tools in this process to help me dig down and build a new, solid foundation. A foundation built on His love, knowing His love, and believing with my heart, as 1 John 4:8 says, that He IS Love!